visual

amy///

update::

Monday, April 24, 2006


Current mood: sad





LIFE.

can be absolutely insane sometimes.



...and i understand that.

the irony is that when it is taken from us, our understanding of ''crazy'' intensifies or clouds itself depending on the angle u choose to view it.



eric is a hilarious guy-- without trying it always seemed. he always landed somewhere between sarcasm and reality... i could never figure out when eric and clint were telling the truth or pulling my leg. no matter the case, he always makes me laugh. i never understand why people are taken from us. there is never any clarity.



he'll be missed dearly.



friday afternoon i saw courage in a man that i have never truly witnessed before. during grief. during sadness. clint did what he said he wouldn't be capable of doing. he spoke. to everyone. what he said, his words, his point, made me sob. i have cried this past week more than i have in a while. in that moment of complete openness, clint touched every single person in hearing distance & then some. we all cried, some of us let it go and other held back but the entire back left corner wept. and in that moment we were all 18 again.



clints message was something like this.

"never take a day for granted. tell the people u love, that u love them. don't assume u'll have another day to work it out, bc u might not."



when we grow up, we all become what our history has made us. we have the option of being the greatest people we can or not.



friday i saw clint, chris, kevin, ryan, nick, keith, and jake become men.



...and it made me realize we all grow.



rest in peace. eric. & god bless.





life is too short to be anything but happy.

----------------------------------------------

i still think of u everyday. about life. irony.





and i still cry.

joy.

smiles.


u are truly an amazing person. inspiring-- and i'm not quite sure i have ever told u that. there is always a different aura of self when we delve deeper. thank u for being what u have to me. u have been a part of my jigsaw whether u know that, or not.

the following are excerpts from my myspace blogs to give u a better view at ''current.''



Monday, February 20, 2006

my constant.


there's always the wondering--

the unsure.


not knowing if the things we have done, or the things we are doing are the RIGHT or SHOULD.





it's only in retrospect that we can be certain. or is that even the case? i look back at some of the things i have done and still tilt my head and stare. life is a sequence of educated guesses often offset by clueless choices; or so it seems. my life has taken this pattern. things frighten me-- i tend to run. i am a person of certainty. i embrace consistancy. i am eager for consistant change.



that has become my constant-- the change.

i am not unintelligent. nor am i weak-minded. i am me. i will never apologize for that.



i have come to terms with knowing that over time things change. i have always observed this. however; there are some things i want more than anything to stay the same... to not change.



very few people change me, or my pattern.

there is reason i don't allow it. at this point i cannot tell you why you changed it, only that you did so without my knowing. perhaps the best way to have done so.



if u were to ask me if i am certain about my current standing, what would my response be?



i'm standing. on my two feet. i know there's ground beneath me. i have a safety net and that is the constant i want more than anything.










Friday, February 10, 2006

dear old friend...

sighs-- you're right. it's crazy stupid how much can change in a year's worth of time. it doesn't seem like i'm ready to say i graduated a year ago.


i'm insanely happy-- ty. he is amazing to me. it's an adjustment [a relationship] but i'm trying. smiles.


[ ]-- i wish more than anything that things wouldn't have happened the way that they did. it's sad to me. i think of u everyday in hopes that things are going well for u in [ ].


lol... i always try to remember [ ]'s number while intoxicated so that i can call u.



i never remember.






getting older is the realization that we can forgive past happenings and disregard them as some whimsical occurance in life we faintly remember. a mist. and even though the mist continuously lingers, we become insensitive to it and before u know it-- it's gone.

...but we always know its there.



i try to keep track of your life the best i can without u knowing.


happy anniversary [ ].




--Ak.



remember when i drove u to [ ] for a 6 hour stay when we barely knew each other?






Tuesday, January 24, 2006

love.


why we sometimes get a little scared--



There are various things we could talk about here... we always relate a current situation to past experiences. With that said, we could even say we fear contemporary settings occurring between other people happening to ourselves.



Fear. This is obviously what scares us, especially when given a ''perfect'' example [for lack of a better word] of what it COULD turn out to be.





what u said to me was perfect.



absolutely perfect.






Sunday, January 15, 2006

transitions [over/time]
Current mood: loved


There are plenty of things that have changed during the past 2 weeks. It's funny how short periods of time can seem like forever. i pushed all of this off-- i'm sure u know that. I brushed you off for a reason... for self-preservation. It was selfish, and I'm truly sorry for that.

Regardless of the push aways, conversations, drunk heart to hearts, and stand on your own two feet lectures-- you stayed around. In a sense-- you fought me on this. And I'm thankful for that.

Everything proves itself with time. People go away that never really meant anything to us in the first place, and some people find their way into the nook. Our comfort. There's a reason all of this happens in the manner it does.

I'm not perfect. You know that. But it doesn't really seem to matter to you. The way all of this has taken place-- the way it all has changed & stayed the same, all at one time. I have letter upon letter addressed to you. Letters I never gave you. They were self driven conversation between myself and me I suppose-- trying to sort you out. You & I realized "this" @ the same time... and I don't think I ever told you that.



It's no longer as complicated as we once argued over it being--

"We're complicated Amy."

"No we're not-- it's very simple really."



Even if I can't quite put my finger on the severity of our complex standing-- I don't care. I adore you because you are what you are to me.

...so thank you.

holy shit-- 24 weeks ago.


unbelievable.



high five/cheers/kudos to joy for the nudge and encouragement to be productive.


smiles.

time changes while everything else stays the same. this is how life works... sometimes. but what if all of it seems to be changing quicker than time could possibly allow? craziness, frustration, little free time.

everything seems to be moving ahead.

i spent time on monday at the ronald mcdonald house volunteering salon services to families and sick children. it's been a while since i've felt so appreciated. IMPORTANT. as if i made a difference. even if thru small means, i made a couple people's day. and i'm happy about that. being one person is so small in the general scheme of things, but that day was different.


to everyone thats been a part of my life in some shape or form-- thank you from the very bottom of my heart. YOU ARE APPRIECIATED.

:heart:

as a sidenote:: i am employee of the month for august. lmao. its nice to hear someone say how much they care you're around...

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

i sat down and realized tonight that it.s been quite some time since i.ve paid attention here.

everything has changed since then. well almost. 

after 22 years one would imagine a healthy state of mind--  a more sound view on life.  perhaps that is infact where i am, and if not-- maybe it is just sound enough for me.  i never understood why u couldn.t accept two different views on the same subject matter as being ''true.'' one is true for me, one is true for u--2 trues in one conversation.  am i the only one that can appreciate the two?

every now and again my heart hurts for u.  i miss someone.  i miss someone else.  i do things to remind myself of this person, or that person, or that one-- the people that i look at as incredibly important to have in my life.  it.s absolutely amazing to see how much can change around u, and u stay the same. consistency was never really my forte but standing still is comfort.  and is there really anything wrong with that? 

i think about u.

all the time.

wow, its been a long time. 

i graduated, i had a rough very weeks, C left, i was offered a job position which i gladly accepted, and i turned 22.  crazy how much can happen. 

can't wait to get my work permit so i can start working and leave the hell hole --'stepping stone job in the middle of hell.''           

----------------------------------------------------------------------

u messaged me today.  probably the first time during this entire month of little to zero talking ''just to say hi.''    ...i can't help but wonder why.  u never really seemed to care enough to say hello out of no where for no reason or without intention.  im unsure which was more unnerving for me,... to see u just saying hi or ''just to wish me a happy birthday'' or realizing i paid enough attention to both to question it.

 

 

wednesday will be bittersweet.

everyone's mind wonders, their hearts hurt, they reconsider.  if i could take ur pain away & make it my own, i would.

all it takes is an empty moment 2 realize where ur heart's loyalty lies.

 back   ankle

 

thanks so much!   i love artistic people!  hehe

OVER IT...  honestly, sincerely over it.

2 weeks to the day.  i can't wait.  c, law, & i r gonna kick that places ass when we leave & dance on our way out.

a few current moments @ the afi:

we cause trouble.lol, well some of us do  comfort station

 

a few from our nights @ c's

      

 

with time, always come decisions. i'm an adult, have been for quite some time now,.... but its almost completely FIniSHed.  i'm a little frazzeled about the snow continuously pushing back my graduation date

i used to be this way... & i disliked it.  theres this one little, tiny aspect of 'me' that i might have fallen back into... & it makes me feel like less of a person.

always been told 2 surround urself with people that love u... but how did u figure out who those people r?  it should be obvious shouldn't it?  with as much as u do for them, as much as u look out for them, as much as u R... u should be the same.  sometimes people take things for granted....     

 

so glad that this is the end`'-

as C stated it today--

''this is the beginning of the end...''

 

couldn't possibly be more true my friend.

i guess i always do this... i stop and start to think about where my life is & decide i need  to take a moment.  everyone does it.

saturday morning a 5 y.o. by the name of rachel made my day.  she was a client, & a flower girl that day. b.c she was quite possibly the most patient being i've ever met, she gave me here time, sat patiently while we chatted about the days events & allowed me to do a beautiful formal (up-do).  she was amazing & i know that i will never forget her.  she came at the most perfect moment during my life.  a reminder if nothing else.

 
heres a thought... we're always told ''don't sweat the small stuff'' and then at the same time, we look towards the little  things to make us happy.   does it seem like to two cross paths, or is it just me? 

 

countdown: 15 days of school left

some things have the ability to move u; some have the potential of shaking u. SOMe people impact ur life, know they are doing it, and leave u completely stirred. this weekend was absolutely AMAZING. i learned alot--- we're talkin' altered perspective on every issue, every situation, every aspect that has created me. and now... a little bit of where i'm at:

-every event in my life has shaped me, and theres nothing wrong with that.

-i can't imagine being without C.bels or LAW

-i want them to be there, ALWAYS.

-every once in a while, u have to unload ur backpack.

-i don't want to be 'another hairdresser'--i'm going to actually DO something.

-i would like to work with paul mitchell...they are UNBELIEVABLE.

-there are certain people in my life i will NEVER let go.

-there are certain people in my life i know are best left set go.

-i'm an artist.

-i've found a couple GREAT mentors.

-i'm so proud of how far my girls have come. they are amazing, beautiful, wonderfully talented, and complete my day--no matter how bad it gets, they NEVER give up on me.

-i will not be doing hair in cincinnati; law, c.bels & i are leaving this place behind

-i will not settle with my career, the people i surround myself with OR the life i lead.

-it's okay to fall b.c u can ALWAYS get back up & even then-- ur mad as hell and have a plan.

-i'm going to give every damn thing in me for the next 18 days.

-i'm more excited now about the rest of my life than i EVER have been.

                                                                             

  streets of san fran...

i'm going to miss the family i've grown to love over the past 10 months. i love u all. i'm gonna do it up for the next 5 weeks til c.bels leaves... just 4 a little while. we have plans during the inbtw of now & then however... & i can't wait til we get started. THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING LADIES, and i love u.

i leave 4 cali in 14 hours. i'm so excited right now i cant stand myself. good times.


i'll let u know how it goes, b.c it will be amazing i'm sure :)

day started off with a german man requesting a combover which was AWESOME. lol. good times with that one. then, ONCE AGAIN, i got to finish my day early in some sense and s tart doing some hair of my own! i did a P-IM-pimp job on chealsea's color placement-- looks hot. since we're going to san fran in COUNT THEM 2 days, di let us do each others hair during school which is ABSOLUTELY NOT allowed-- ever. so so fun :) from there, we decided tonight we are getting smashed-- which i'm pumped about as well.

in the midst of our fun times with the teacher and doing each others hair, i started thinking about where i'm going to go when i'm done in a month. i know everything will turn out the way its suppose to
...an instructor told me today that i'm very talented. it took me a second to take it in. barely knows me, sees my work, brutally honest individual, & she think's i'm incredibly talented. the next few days are going to push me so far into this industry i might not be able to see straight, but i would have it no other way. i love doing this. i love creating, i love being with people, i love every aspect. so far this week has shown me just why i love doing what i'm doing and i know this weekend will push it that much further-- i can't wait.